New Beginnings

New beginnings suck and are awkward. So there.

President Bush to Declare War on Mobius?

WASHINGTON - Today George Bush spoke out at a U.N. summit about the next target for America's War on Terror, the supposedly peaceful country of Mobius. While on the surface, Mobius appears to be a happy country most notable for it's strange abundance of loops, golden rings and mysterious spring platforms, the President stressed the importance of a pre-emptive attack on Mobius on the grounds that there is a greater threat to America residing there than any before imagined.

"While Mobius may appear benign and cooperative, there can be no peace between it and the U.S. as long as the seat of it's government's power lies in the hands of the madman Dr. Robotnik. We have recieved reports of some of Dr. Robotnik's deeds over the last ten years, and i'd like to read some of the statistics to you." Bush said yesterday to top leaders of every major world country. "Dr. Robotnik takes small, cute animals and places them within giant storage tubes, transporting them to his headquarters, the 'Death Egg Zone', where they are turned into heartless, mindless automatons. My Attorney General John Ashcroft assures me this behavior is considered a violation of the U.N. Human Rights treaty in every country excepting the United States.

George Bush then continued to detail some of the threats Dr. Robotnik posed to the U.S. "Some of the liberals still left in my administration will protest the need for yet another war, however, this is completely necessary. Robotnik has already completed a device which levitates above the ground and produces a large ball on a chain, capable of leveling small buildings. Not only that, Dr. Robotnik has begun commencement of a project to create a "Drill Car" which may be still more terrible. America's mission is clear. We must not let this terrorist stand.

Experts in Washington say that Bush is trying to pass a new Resolution through the U.N. which will demand European support for a war against Mobius, but prospects look grim. Said French President Jacques Chirac, with an extreme French accent: "It is clear that President Bush has not made a case for war against Mobius, and that he desires to attack Dr. Robotnik for 'other reasons'."

Those 'other reasons' involve the recent allegations that President Bush wants war with Mobius because of the newly-discovered information of Doctor Robotnik's "Oil Ocean Zone". While details on this supposed lake of refined oil are still sketchy, experts within the oil industry have estimated that more than three times the oil of Saudi Arabia, the world's biggest oil producer, could be found in the Zone.

"Yes, it is true that the "Oil Ocean" is most likely the world's largest current oil reserve. However, I feel this makes Dr. Robotnik even more dangerous, as he now has a massive surplus of this oil..." At this point George Bush began to drool heavily and repeat "Oil...Sweet, Sweet Oil!" over and over again until prodded by Press Secretary Ari Fleisher. "Um, yes, well, we need to take out Robotnik now!"

Despite massive worldwide protests, Bush's plan is set to go on without fail. "A year ago, we tried to assassinate Robotnik through the means of a single, Hedgehog agent," said Bush, "But unfortunately we lost contact shortly after the mission began, and just recently DNA anaylsis of a corpse sent to us by Mobius Mail has matched that of agent 'Sonic'. I hope this will remind the American people of the evil dictators like Dr. Robotnik can do, when not hindered by the citizens of the countries they rule."

President Bush concluded his speech by saying: "This man tried to kill my Dad."

Donald Sutherland Kidnapped by Hippies

Houston, Texas - Respected Actor and Issac Asimov look-alike Donald Sutherland was kidnapped today by hippies, investigators say. Sutherland, who has appeared in over two dozen movies, including Disclosure, Ordinary People, and the recent The Italian Job was taken outside of his posh home in Beverly Hills this afternoon.

"It's a sad, sad state of affairs," says Chief Investigator Michael Black. "We believe Mr. Sutherland to have been in his front yard when what witnesses call a 'dingy blue van' appeared from nowhere, snatching Mr. Sutherland inside."

All that was left of Mr. Sutherland was a handwritten note left on the porch demanding as ransom the legalization of Marijuana.

"Well, we obviously don't have the political power to do something like that," says son and noted actor Keifer. "Obviously this wacko cult is so out of its head that its members think that they can kidnap my father and change the politics of this nation." Then, Kiefer went reportedly went into full "Jack Baur" mode, emulating his character from the TV series 24. Kiefer is believed armed and extremely dangerous, and should be approached with extreme caution.

The terms of Mr. Sutherland's release have yet to be laid out in full, however we here at the Daily Chainsaw wish him restored in all possible haste and health.

Jim Carrey Given 'Godlike' Powers by Miramax Pictures

In a stunning move today, top executives from Miramax Pictures have announced through a memo that Jim Carrey, star of the new Miramax release Bruce Almighty, has achieved a 'Godlike' state of being.

"We don't exactly know how we let this happen," says veteran director Andy Davis. "We accidentally authorized the bestowing of innumerable power upon a top comedic actor."

Carrey, as you might recall, is the star of comedies like The Cable Guy and Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, but while he is a top draw at the box office, it is only recently that he became the shepard of our souls.

Excited Moviegoer and high-school student Alice Shaw expressed her joy at the prospect of having her eternal salvation dictated by a man who talks from his butt. "I am like, so excited! I just started worshiping Jim Carrey and I've already lost 20 pounds and Derek Thompson asked me to prom!"

While trinkets and slight good fortune seem in the future for those who follow Jim Carrey, others in the Christian Front don't seem to feel the same way. Says Catholic Priest Phil O'Malley, "It's sick the way that young people stop coming to church and worship that heathen they call an actor. The real heroes here are those young boys who come to church every week and have a special relationship with me...I mean God."

Jim Carrey was unable to be reached for comment.